🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.